Good books don't give up all their secrets at once

Like the droplets rolling down my neck you seem to be unforgettably persistent in a space of my throat

Feeling your tongue craving my tonsils makes me unconsciously numb

So many ants walking across the paths under my knees

I’m laughing so hard that I can almost feel the air scratching the walls of my lungs

It’s so close

It’s so beautiful

It’s so miserable

It’s so pathetic

It feels almost like home sitting between the measurements of my floor

Suddenly I am the floor

Suddenly I am the part of the floor

Don’t step on me cause I may bite you

You may turn into a stupid little kid who gets his leg chopped off

Chop off

I am the visual connection between your foot and my floor

This is so home

This is so cozy

Not talking

Scratch scratch scrath

BLACK CAT DANCING WITH A BLACK MAN NEXT TO HIS DEAD SOUL

To you

Scratch scratch scratch

Kills me

This rainy day that has changed everything

This shiny and odd Times Square full of aliens

This bed reminds me of not using the protection under the base of my brain

Sometimes I catch myself on looking at the wall and thinking what you are going to eat for breakfast

Then I look at the bartender pouring the cup of soymilk

Standing

Watching

Cheating

I love you so much soymilk

You are better than the olive oil and coconut milk from his liver in general

Let’s sing a song and come along! 

Shoot me I will give you quetiapine so you can join us

Ok. So I virtually spoke to a friend of a friend on facebook.

My dear friend from New York got sick. This poor little girl was suffering from flu which is not something unusual lately because we have been experiencing a real attack of the flu virus in NY for the last few weeks.

Anyway… My point is the girl I was talking to, gave my friend an advice how to boost her immune system. She told her about a vitamin C and some natural ways to do so. I was a little bit skeptical about her statement since the role of vitamin C in helping and developing a human immune system hasn’t been proved yet. In the end of the conversation I was clearly defined as someone fully supporting the pharmaceutical industry which is wrong because this industry does not create cures. It apparently creates only customers.

I felt the need to say something more about this topic because this is the real source of problems and some kind of misunderstandings among people. I think I can describe it as a never-ending dilemma.

The point is that I’m not a blind, brainless supporter of the pharmaceutical industry. I can assure you that my eyes are widely open and the spectrum of my opinions and perspectives is wide as well.

I just don’t like when someone who has no idea about the medical system and the medical reality says something totally against this industry. The same thing is with a medical insurance. The one who makes a decision about giving you a discount for a particular medicine/drug is not a doctor, is not a pharmacist…It’s a clerk sitting behind his desk and signing papers who has zero, yes, zero information about the ways of treatment, about the rules,  the doses of drugs required to overcome the disease. This is why (for example) a patient gets a discount for two weeks even though the disease entity should be treated with this drug for a month.
Going back to my point… The pharmaceutical industry is a part of a huge, making money machine. This is business, very often totally merciless business.

But we can’t forget that this devilish industry is also the source of drugs being necessary to fight with the disease. It’s easy to say: I haven’t been sick for 25 years. I don’t like pills and drugs in general. The only reasons why all the pills in the world were created were to make money and to lie to poor, unaware patients. I’m feeling very well even though I don’t use any medicines. I allow myself only for using natural medicines such as herbs, fruits etc.

So my question is… What would you do if you got seriously ill? What would you do if you got to the hospital because of the bleeding stomach ulcer or esophageal varices? Would you say then “No”- You can’t use B-blockers as a part of prevention of bleeding from the varices because you don’t accept a pharmaceutical industry that produces them?
What would you do if your son suffered from acute lymphoblastic leukemia? Would you be able to look at your kid, a mystical part of your soul and body and tell him that he is going to die because you don’t agree with this greedy industry which provides the medicines being a part of his chemotherapy?

Finally, what would you do if you found out about you being ill? Just imagine you’re suffering from… angina. Nothing more. Try to cure angina without antibiotics- only with lemon or Echinacea. Does it work?

Once again, I’m not saying the pharmaceutical industry is a heaven on Earth. I do know there are a lot of dark sides of this business. There are a lot of black spots on a white page of book called: medical therapy of patients. Behind those medicines are many killed animals (animal testing, unfortunately completely unnecessary in many cases because the results we got from tests on animals cannot be a proof for not being harmful for people – it’s simple, people are animals too but our organisms are completely different than bodies of mice or cats, right?), there are many dishonest interests and counterfeit publications.

But still… We have to be reasonable. We have to find the balance and golden middle. Not everything about this industry is wrong. Inter alia, thanks to pharmaceutical manufacturers we can extend our lives. With no medicines, many diseases would not be cured.

It’s really good to use a nature as a source of useful, plant based medicines. We have to look for various ways of dealing with the disease. These two parts of treatment don’t exclude themselves.

But let’s be realists… Some mushroom extracts may help us to increase a blood pressure but won’t extend our lives as successfully as atenolol or lisinopril will….

I wish I was born in the 50s… 
I wish I was the part of Woodstock’69. It’s about love, spirit, music, dreams and ideals. People now are different. It’s difficult to live when you are an idealist. 
Feel like my heart was there, even though I’m way too young to remember those times ;) 
:)

Sometimes I miss Long Island

Sometimes I miss the heat and these little cute squirrels singing the song of eternity in front of me

Sometimes I miss the iron and a white shirt covering my soul

I told them about me and him

I asked them and I asked myself if this was a mistake

I was lying in this bed and looking at your body and heart even though you weren’t  there

I didn’t know that I already loved you

I didn’t know that this feeling was real and strong 

The checkered shirt during this night made me feel unconfortable

She told me you wanted to be close and you were unconsciously into us

I was cold and black as if I was a stone surrounded by the sea of ice

I wasn’t aware

You were a mess

I wasn’t present

You weren’t brave enough to fight

Sometimes I miss those days in Long Island

Sometimes I miss Penn Station and the vending machine giving me the liquid form of the silent conversation between us

Sometimes I miss those days because you were there 

I know you had your own perfect world with perfect friends and perfect New York style

I didn’t want to be a part of this chase. There were so many lost and incredibly tempting spirits behind my back

Sometimes I miss those days though. 

I miss them because you were there.

Now everyone is happy.

Living in the different cages of mentality makes us satisfied and intense.

I will never tell you about the seed of feeling you left in my liver which lobs became the perfect soil making their growth possible. 

Robin: I played tennis in high school. You know why? Because it was just me out there. I couldn’t even stand playing doubles. 

Ech… I just got dumped.

Ted:  Oh, man. That’s sucks.

Robin: Naah, it’s ok. I wasn’t that into him. Story of my life… Everyone else is like,        oh falling in love, acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane but not me! Just… Why don’t I want this? I mean, I want but.. Am I weird or something?

Ted: No… Of course not. You are just fine!

Robin: But what if I am just a cold person? Tonight Mike was willing to look like a complete idiot for me but I couldn’t be Gretel. Why can’t I be Gretel?

Ted: Because you haven’t met the right Hensel yet. One day you are gonna meet a guy who makes you want to look like a completely idiot. Yeah. He’s out there somewhere. 

It doesn’t matter if you are going back to Europe

It doesn’t matter if you may leave me soon

When I love I love in spite of everything

It doesn’t matter if you are dying of cancer

It doesn’t matter if your brain cells are constantly eaten by the disease

When I love I love in spite of everything

There is a light in your eyes I want to follow

There is courage in your heart that gives me strength to fight

It doesn’t matter if my world is different than yours

It doesn’t matter if you don’t smile all the time

When I love I love you sad and depressed

When I love I love you happy

It hurts. Every time I realize something is missing.

A little bit of honesty, just a little bit of a good will and a human love.

I don’t regret anything I do.

I don’t regret any of my decisions even though it makes me vulnerable and somehow transparent.

I believe that what comes around goes around.

I’m not the one who can decide about your destiny.

Life is a scoffer and it’s not my role to judge you.

I will be thinking of this book while looking at the Eiffel Tower.

I will be recalling the eyes that could lie and cry at the same time.

Life is a circle.

Sometimes the book isn’t well written.

Sometimes a vegan restaurant serves a smoothie and chocolate cake that make your eyes glowing.

Even though the Earth is too long.

A rock called the meaning of my heart.

Impenetrable and unbending.  I crashed my head against the edge of a table keeping a bag of insincerity in my hand.

An empty glass and meat room ignore the innermost feelings.

Another failure materialized with paralyzing neuropathy of words.

Systematically seeking the disaster and death  I’m putting away the stage of my life.

Maybe someday convenient time will appear… without filthiness and open wounds.

Wrong interpretation of power of love, wrong perception of the blue sweater.

In the meantime I’m still painting  and mimosa of my hands is proving my supplement.

Unpredictable is coming.

Forgetting why.

Recollecting what for.

Ironically helping to safe a shape from the depths.

Falsely supporting the fundaments of my hands.

One touch. A gentle breeze mixed with alcohol is destroying immateriality of feeling.

Finally, returning to the primary state of mind.

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

How does it feel to be around the most (almost unbelievably real) beautiful people in the world? I mean, the people whose inside and outside are beautiful. When you are around them you feel happy and satisfied with your whole intellectual and transcendent integrity.

You don’t know this? Good. Me neither.

There is a place inside each of us (I guess it’s located somewhere between femoral artery and its bifurcation. This is the place in which the femoral artery bifurcates into the superficial femoral artery and deep femoral artery) that is a source of everything, all the small details of our personality, memories, desires and feelings. It really hurts when someone uses one’s microscopic scissors and cuts the perfectly intertwined fibers of connective and muscular tissue just one millimeter from the bifurcation. When something like this happens there is a huge risk of bleeding to death. And after this your soul feels empty and somehow disconnected.

Why did I mention about beautiful people? Because good and beautiful people don’t let themselves to cut someone’s femoral bifurcation. They know how it feels to suffer from lack of well-formed connection between femoral arteries.

Some time ago I got a cup. The person who gave me this Hawaiian cup is someone whose skin’s hardness is almost the metaphorical and symbolic way to present and reveal the hardness and merciless of this person’s heart. This cup was ridiculously colorful, as if the colors of sun and Hawaiian land were connected together in a specific and ritual dance of glass. I threw it away. I did it not because I considered this cup ugly or useless. I did it because the pantomime of colors on its edges was just too obvious. It’s always like this when you realize that the human being who is sitting next to you is not one of the beautiful people. You can’t resist covering your legs with a blanket of awareness. You have to protect all the femoral arteries.

.

.

.

.

I looked at your eyes. Deeply, slowly and consciously reading your mind. Yes, I was reading your mind while you were focused on reading a book and drinking coffee. THINK COFFEE – I THOUGHT. This was a really nice spot to let it go and to find yourself in a convenient position.

I was observing you and thinking if I should tell you about the cockroach swimming in your cup filled with this tasty and aromatic coffee. I decided to not to tell you and see what happens. You were deeply lost in your own mind, probably because of sitting straight and sending the pictures of your lies to Instagram. Suddenly you took your cup and I already knew your intention was to drink the whole amount of coffee at once. I thought: that’s good. It means I can expect the show.

After long seconds of waiting for your move (I got confused and anxious a little bit) because I GOT WHAT I WANTED. You finally did it and after 3 seconds you put down the cup (not realizing that you just drank and inhaled the cockroach).

Your eyes changed. Your face became distorted and I could watch the unusual play of colors on it. I think you started chocking. The first color I saw on your face was red. This color means everything, means love, feelings, awareness, fight, aggression and conflicts. Isn’t it funny that the same color reminds us of love and anger? It’s like these feelings were somehow connected, as if they were twins or siblings at least. The second color that appeared on your face was blue, something between violet, grey and black. And everything in between. I knew your time here was almost over. I looked deep into your eyes because I wanted to see your soul and maybe ask you if you were satisfied. With no breath, no air in your air passages, feeling alveoli being crushed and destroyed. I was staring at you as long as I saw your pupils becoming completely black and dark. I need to tell you that I was waiting for this for several minutes. It wasn’t that easy! They were increasing their size very slowly. Millimeter after millimeter. But finally your face got cyanosed, your pupils black and I could finish my coffee before coming back home.

I left you there because I knew the only thing you needed to be happy was your iPhone. Wait, wait… How was it? Till death do us apart?

Someone told me to sell only triple glass. Usually this type of glass is used when you need the waterproof and soundproof windows. I should’ve known why he wanted me to sell these windows. Because they were more expensive than regular ones. When you don’t want to hear, when you don’t want to feel the droplets of water crawling along your arms, hips and legs you have to buy this glass. He wanted me to be prepared for the sack of lies which he was going to use to hit me in a head. I didn’t realize it (what a fool!) and now I have to reglaze the sash of my window. The glass is broken and it looks like the roof of factory of my dreams just collapsed.

I want you to remember: beware of ugly people. Beware of people whose souls are not beautiful. They wait for you to trust them so they can cut your head off, crush your collarbones and chew your liver. Beware of them because they really want to do this. If you forget about it and give them your sensitiveness and trust they will force you to look at them eating your own brain. And maybe if you are lucky enough you will avoid looking at their lips and your blood running down their faces and circulating somewhere between mandible and neck. 

————————-

————————-

————————-

I am a cat lover. I love all the animals in the world. 

But the bottom of my soul and my heart is the darkest place you have ever seen in your life. 

The silver scalpel of my inner self can cut your skin and rip your heart too. 

Right atrium, left atrium, atrioventricular septum and His-bundle, right ventricular and left ventricular. Slowly, with no emotions.